


You're Driving Me Crazy

by theroughjourney



Series: College Adventures [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Asexual Relationship, Everyone Is Alive, F/F, F/M, Female Homosexuality, Fluff, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Other, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, a loooot of sexual references, a looot of swearing, eren and jean have their typical rivalry, mostly lighthearted, sorry pervs, yeah another college AU im very original i know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:02:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24991243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theroughjourney/pseuds/theroughjourney
Summary: The crew goes on a road trip during their summer vacation, thanks to Sasha and Connie's "investment" in that huge van that easily fits a dozen. Carrying their (emotional) baggage in the trailer behind them, they are ready to embark across North America together, but not as ready as they think they are. Between Jean's miserably powerful deodorant, Ymir's constant desire to kick the back of the seat in front of her, Sasha's abhorrent road trip songs, and the comic Eren is working on about the giants, they're probably going to try to kill one another at least several times. Thankfully, Mikasa is there to prevent any death, especially if her adoptive brother is involved. As they prepare to set off on their journey, beginning at their campus, Trost University, Sasha can only mumble out a single a single sentence:"I wish we'd brought more snacks."____________________________________Character POV will change from third person to first person from chapter to chapter, depending on what character the chapter is seen through.
Relationships: Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover, Sasha Blouse/Connie Springer
Series: College Adventures [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1809133
Comments: 9
Kudos: 24





	1. Off To The Races (Sasha's POV)

It's a beautiful day in the Trost University parking lot, and all of us stand about awaiting Reiner's return with the gasoline. Eren's drawing that comic for his final project with Mikasa and Armin offering critique, and Jean is playing Pokémon whilst Marco cheers him on with an adorable backrub. I don't even know where Annie went, and Bertolt is awkwardly waiting for Reiner, eyeing the van. Connie and I are proud of that matchmaking case between Marco and Jean, by the way. It went waaaaay better than trying to hook up our two professors, the eccentric Chemistry teacher Professor Hanji, and the ever scaring-the-shit-out-of-me Professor Ackerman, who might as well just teach people how to curl up and die. We had tried to get them together for coffee, but the latter found out somehow, and he immediately failed us both for the whole semester. Ah well, at least we're both still undecided freshmen, so it's only partly crushing my ability to sleep. Reliving the whole clusterfuck has me shoveling even more potato chips into my mouth. 

"....Remind me again how you two got this thing?" A very nervous Bertolt breaks the silence, completely disregarding the fact I'm currently chewing. As I turn to give him a look of mild annoyance, I also wave my hand at him, dismissing his question. Honestly, it's best he doesn't know all of the details, anyways. Plus, it's not like I'm gonna talk with my mouth full, sheesh, Bertle. 

Thankfully, Connie answers him for me, sprinkling some overexaggerated lies into some embarassing truths. " We definitely did NOT become weed dealers for the Sina fraternities," He winks at me, and I give him a thumbs up for throwing them off our trail. We'd actually been the weed dealers for the ROSE fraternities, clever boy. "All this money was required without any sort of sexual favors, either." He puts his hands on his hips and beams at his and my accomplishment, and I do my best to join him, despite my mouthful of potato chips. Bertolt nods and sighs in response, adjusting his collar. Despite being friends with us all for at least a few years now, he's still not completely out of his shell (hence Connie and I's kickass nickname for him, Bertle). The only other person he'll talk to easily besides Reiner is Annie, and she terrifies me. Where the hell is she, anyways? I judge the reaction of everyone else standing around the van, and it seems like only Bertolt is even listening to us, and I can tell he's somehow not totally convinced by Connie's awesome explanation. Why do we even bother with our generosity? Plus, that isn't even the whole story. I had to work extra hours at my Burger King resisting the urge to devour the entire building. And since I stress eat often, and work stresses me out, it's pretty damn difficult.

As I shovel another mouthful of potato chips from my family sized bag (that I’m definitely not going to share with Connie, despite his puppy dog eyes), Jean begins to swear like a sailor. The abhorrent shriek he lets out in this moment is only comparable to when we watched Insidious and Reiner put a Darth Maul mask on. I see Eren’s pencil sweep to the side of his page as both he and Armin are startled, while Ymir and Historia lock the van doors and roll the windows up. Mikasa is hard to read but is probably annoyed, and both Bertolt and Connie are doing that stupid thing where they whistle and look away to avoid conflict. I’m pissed, because that’s totally MY thing, by the way. First they trash my generosity and then they steal my style? I’ll get Reiner to give Bertolt a firm talking to when he gets back. 

Oh yeah, Jean is currently screaming profanities for the whole world to hear. I see a mother cover the ears of her young son and gives us the iciest scowl I’ve ever seen from somebody that isn’t Jean. Looks like it’s ol’ Sash’ to the rescue for this one! I walk over to Marco, who is trying to calm Jean down with phrases like “It’s just a game”, and “you’ll find another one”...it isn’t working, bless Marco’s soul. I decide to finally speak.

“Woah there, Jean-O-Tron,” I laugh at my own stupid joke. “That language is pretty colorful, even for a ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ enthusiast like yourself. What happened, anyways? Are you doing a nuzlocke or something?” As a licensed Pokémon Master myself, I know a thing or two. Marco, on the other hand, is more of a musical type. I think he plays Animal Crossing, though. In response to my question, Jean shakes his head. 

“Motherfucker, Sasha, I FAILED A SHINY POKÉMON!” He screams towards the sky, as if challenging God himself. Marco rolls his eyes and gently pats his boyfriend on the shoulder, whilst mouthing “I’m sorry” towards myself and everyone else. Again, Marco is a saint. Anyways, the fact he failed a shiny Pokémon made my eyes widen, cause those things are batshit rare. I wouldn’t normally do this for just anybody, but I reach into my bag and offer him a chip. Jean looks up at me and grimaces, reluctantly crunching against the chip. “It tastes like failure”, he sighs bitterly. 

“Chin up, Buttercup,” I tease, flashing him a warm smile that I know he definitely hates. “Think about when we get to the campsite tonight and we get to the real shining stars!” The thought of the beautiful night sky above our heads as we laugh and sit around a toasty fire makes me so giddy I nearly choke on my chips. Connie notices this and laughs, to which I shoot him a death glare Jean would be proud of. Speaking of Jean, he’s now quietly sobbing into Marco’s shoulder as Marco pats him on the back like a toddler. I honestly do not know if he is joking any more, but Marco waves me off as if to say, “you’re free”. Sasha has saved the day! Well, maybe not SAVED the day, but at least mildly improved the previous situation! I fist bump into the air as Connie shoots me a thumbs up, just like the one I shot him from earlier. That boy really does know me better than myself.

“Jesus Christ, Jean. Did Marco spit acid jizz at you or something?” I look up to see the big man himself, Reiner, carrying two gallons of gasoline like a champ. Seeing this, Bertolt runs over to assist Reiner in loading the gas into the tank. I’m in such a good mood that I offer Connie a chip, and I swear he nearly cries tears of joy. As Bertolt finishes loading the tank, (I thought that was Reiner’s job?), he stands up and faces Jean again. “What happened while I was gone for like, 20 minutes?” Reiner begins to do one of his big belly laughs that you can’t help but be comforted by. Unfortunately, it appears Jean is not comforted by this. 

“Save your energy, Reiner,” Eren smirks. “Jean is crying over his video games again, is all.” Honest to god, within the blink of an eye, Jean is on top of Eren, wrestling him to the ground. “FUCK YOU, JEAGER!” He’s screaming louder now, which I didn’t know was humanly possible. I’d be lying if I said this fight wasn’t good entertainment, though.

Ymir appears to agree, as she rolls down the window and begins to chant, “Fight, Fight, Fight!” Reiner, Connie, and I all join in. Historia buries her face into her arms in embarrassment, and Marco tries his best to pull Jean off of Eren as Armin tries his best to pull Eren off of Jean. It isn’t going very well. They’re slapping and clawing at each other like feral cats, and I know I shouldn’t encourage my friends to fight, but I feel like it’s best to let them let off steam right now rather than in the middle of the drive. 

Just when it seems like Eren is getting the upper hand, Mikasa yanks him up effortlessly. He lets out a startled “eeeep!” noise that reminds me of a guinea pig having sex, and Jean begins to triumphantly stand up, only to be knocked back onto his ass by Marco himself. “Jean, I love you, but you deserved that, you big ass.” Jean grumbles and rises back up, and Marco gives him a kiss on the cheek. Jean’s scowl falters, if just for a moment. Meanwhile, Eren is getting grilled by Mikasa on how “he shouldn’t instigate Jean” and needs to “focus on finishing his final project” and blah blah blah, boring stuff. 

“Alright, since it appears you’re all done, can we finally get going?” A voice right behind me speaks in monotone. I shriek in surprise and turn around to find none other than the definitely-a-witch herself, Annie. Where the FUCK did she come from??? I look around, and everybody else has the same startled expression on their face. I finally muster up the courage to ask. 

“Annie, where the hell did you come from?” She shrugs and in response, simply says, “Under the car”, like it’s completely obvious. I give her a frown and rebuke. “First off, it’s a VAN, not a car,“ I correct her, “And second, please never do that again, you scared me shitless.” Everyone nods in approval. Annie simply shrugs and says blankly, “No promises.” 

After we all settle our nerves, we finally begin to clamber into the van. Connie is the designated driver (he’s actually quite good behind the wheel!) and I, of course, called shotgun before we even got down into the lot. As everyone begins to chatter and laugh, say for Jean, understandably bitter about his fight and losing the rare Pokémon, and Ymir, who was definitely making out with Historia while the rest of us were outside. I’m feeling giddy myself until the absolute worst thing ever to plague my mind becomes reality. I scream at the top of my lungs, and begin to sob uncontrollably.

Connie immediately grabs my shoulder, genuinely concerned. “Oh my god, Sash, are you alright?” I sniffle and bawl in response, sadly lifting up my now empty chip bag, from which I found eternal joy. 

“I wish we’d brought more snacks.”


	2. Eren’s Frightening Mind (Marco’s POV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco and the others are finally let in on Eren’s final project of the year, a comic universe featuring all of them, but with awful and brutal situations that genuinely scar our favorite dorks. Eren apologizes, but he won’t be forgiven so easily, not even by Marco.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marco’s reduced to half the man he used to be.
> 
> I’m sorry.

“I guess if I was forced to, I’d want to have to kiss in front of a group of old homophobes over a group of preschoolers,” I answer Reiner’s ‘Would You Rather’ with complete honesty. “I don’t really want to get split in half by law enforcement explaining why—“

“Why Jean can’t keep his dick in his pants?” Reiner finishes for me. I flush a deep shade of red and panic to find the right response. 

“No, ah, no, not that—!”

Jean flashes me his ‘I’m going to be a complete asshole right now’ smirk and since I have no time to object, I brace for impact. “Hey, I’m happy to share with any police officer how I’m able to satisfy Marco with my massive di—“

“...OKAY, we’re done here,” Armin surprisingly butts in, thank god for that. Everyone begins to laugh, but I shoot daggers into Jean’s eyes. I’ll get my revenge for that somehow, dork. Armin looks up at me. “Actually, Eren’s finally ready to share his progress on the final project.”

Sasha leans over from the passenger seat, which is 100 percent dangerous and could easily kill her, but I know better than to try and argue with her about it. Nobody takes my safety concerns seriously. I just don’t wanna see my friends get turned into a human bottle of grape jelly, okay? Sasha’s eyes are alit with excitement.

“This is the one we’re all in, right?” She squeals. “Ooh, lemme see! Lemme see!”

“Jesus, Sash’, you’re gonna make me crash into a tree!” Connie exclaims, hopefully not serious. 

Mikasa reaches over and puts her hand on Sasha’s shoulder. “Deep breaths, Sasha, just like we practiced.” Potato girl sighs in agreement as she inhales and exhales, retreating safely back to the front seat. 

Ymir takes a break from smothering Historia with affection to add her delightfully positive opinion. “This is the one with the gross man eating nudists, right? Eww.” 

I’ll admit, that description piqued my interest. I decide to let my curiosity get the better of me. “Eren, is any of what she said remotely accurate?”

Eren’s just about to respond when Dork Supreme has to butt in, “You never really know with Jaeger. I wouldn’t put it past him to actually be involved with the Soviet remnants.” Eren smacks Jean lightly, to which he grumbles, and then faces me again.

“Actually, uh, kinda,” I can tell Ymir’s remark has made him uneasy about telling us. I flash him a friendly smile, as do the rest of us (aside from Ymir, who is again smothering Historia in the very backseat, poor girl). Even Jean smirks slightly and nods to Eren. I mean, there is a reason I date him, after all. Eren continues, “There are these giant humanoids that eat people, and some people can turn into them,” He begins to explain. “They don’t wear clothes, but they don’t have uh, junk, either.” 

“Aww, do you not have enough experience to draw it?” Jean teases, and I flick the back of his head. “Ow, fine, point taken. Eren, continue.”

Eren shoots me a thankful glance and continues, while Jean relaxes into my lap. “As I was saying,” he lingers, “the giants don’t actually have reproductive organs. They don’t reproduce like that.” 

Bertolt decides to ask a question. “Wait, so, are all about of these giants man eating, and are all of them able to turn into humans?” Eren shakes his head no and Bertolt nods, genuinely intrigued. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t, either.

“Armin and Mikasa have helped me come up with most of the plot so far,” Eren points to his sister and best friend, who flash smiles towards one another. “I, of course, am the artist. 

Much like the everlasting dork Jean, Eren is an artist working towards a computer animation degree. However, one of his prerequisites is a creative writing class that incorporates drawing. For that class, he and Jean had to make up a completely original story line, but using the people around you. Jean finished his a few days prior to the trip, writing about me and him as space pilots (I told you he was a dork)! Eren decided to get an extension to really make sure his project ‘popped’, as he’d put it.

“You guys are all in it, yeah,” he nods, referencing Sasha’s question.” He cringes a little bit before looking at me. “I actually just, uh, finished drawing Marco’s death.” My heart sunk a little bit at those words.

“Eren, what the hell?” Jean jolts upright and confronts him. “Who the fuck draws the deaths of their friends?” As much as I hate to be an instigator, I kinda agree. I don’t like the idea of being killed off halfway through Eren’s project, as mundane as that may seem. I can’t really place why, though. I guess it just feels too familiar for some reason. I snap back to reality and grab Jean just in time to prevent him from grabbing and deleting Eren’s saved project.

“N—no, it’s fine,” I reluctantly sigh. “I wish you’d asked me about it first, Eren, but I get that it’s just a story.” My curiosity gets the better of me. “How, uh, how’d you draw my death?” 

Eren looks like a deer in highlights, as if he’s realized that this probably wasn’t a good idea. He slowly flips over his tablet to show us all his progress, his other hand twiddling his stylus pencil worriedly. I immediately wince at what I see.

“Jesus fucking Christ, bro!” Reiner shouts, genuinely disturbed. I see Bertolt wince and turn away as well. Ymir covers Historia’s eyes, and then her own. 

“What the hell’s going on back there?” Connie questions, but Sasha whispers into his ear, a traumatized look in her eye. “Oh my fucking god, Eren!”

“Why’d you have to draw that so realistically? You’re demented!” Ymir screams at him. I blankly stare into the screen, feeling sick to my stomach. 

On the digital page, there is a photorealistic drawing of me hunched against a house, with my entire body ripped in half. At the front of the page, Jean is there, watching me with a horrified expression on his face. 

“Wait, Eren, what the hell? THAT’S what you drew?” She looks furious, and Armin seems like he’s about to throw up. Mikasa snatches the Tablet away from him like an angry parent. “Eren, that’s completely insensitive and downright cruel! How do you think Jean and Marco feel?”

Jean is staring off into the road outside the window silently. I can tell that he was genuinely shaken by what he saw, and honestly, so was I. 

It probably seems like a massive overreaction, and it honestly was, but I just really didn’t expect to see something so gory and realistic from Eren, especially directed at me. 

“Marco, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything cruel by it,” Eren says to me. “I just wanted my project to be cool, and have plot twists! It’s a photo realism class so I had to draw it that way and we also got prompts and one of mine was ‘excessive gore’ and I had to get this page finished for a progress report email that was due like an hour ago and—“

“Eren, it’s okay,” I cut him off. “I’m honestly over it the initial shock. “It’s an amazing drawing, if not gruesome.” I glance at Reiner, who’s sporting a smile ear to ear.

“I guess one could say...” He begins.

“Reiner, no,” Bertolt moans.

“Marco is...” he continues.

Bertolt lets out several guttural noises to exemplify his discontent.

“...HALF the man he used to be!” Reiner begins to laugh his ass off. Soon, the rest of us (minus Bertolt, who simply rests his face into his hands) erupt into laughter. Even Annie smirks a little bit, acknowledging the rest of us exist for a fleeting moment. She quickly turns back towards the window, doing whatever she’s doing, I guess. 

I decide to keep the pun train rolling. “Eren, you CUT it awful close with that deadline.”

Sasha doesn’t miss her opportunity, “Yeah, it was a real HALF-ASSED attempt to be on time.”

Connie chimes in, “It seems like Marco lost his left side there, but he’s ALL RIGHT now.” 

We all erupt into giggles, sharing more puns. 

“It’s hard to believe Marco was cut in half, but we all SAW it with our own eyes.”

“Forget Jean, Marco found his better half.”

“Now Jean can literally get a piece of that.” 

I blush at that last one, and see Jean sporting a massive shit-eating grin.

Oh no. 

“Eren’s not the only one who can split Marco open—OW!”

Annie slaps him square across the face before anybody can even react. “Don’t you think Marco’s suffered enough, Horse Face?” 

Jean looks at me with a pout and I flash him a warm smile. He begins to laugh again, and we all forget how disgusted we were with Eren’s vivid realism.

As things settle down once more, Sasha begins to sing loudly,

_“Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer…..”_

And the rest of us can’t help but join her. 

_“Take one down, pass it around, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall...”_

_“Ninety-eight bottles of peer on the wall, ninety eight bottles of beer...”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here I answer questions nobody asked!:
> 
> Yes, they sang the whole song, minus Annie and Ymir.
> 
> No, Annie was not actually under the car last chapter. 
> 
> Yes, Marco is adorable.
> 
> Yes, Ymir made out with Historia the whole time. 
> 
> Yes, Reiner is a big brother.
> 
> Yes, Jean is a horny bastard.
> 
> Yes, Mikasa is Eren’s adoptive sister who acts like a mom. No romance between them, sorry.
> 
> Yes, Eren is a little insane. 
> 
> But maybe there’s another reason he’d draw Marco in such an aggressive way?....


	3. The Motel (Ymir’s POV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ymir suffers through the first night of the road trip with Historia, as they lay awake in their motel room surrounded by a dozen other people. After causing a stupid accident, the entire crew is forced to share a two bed motel room with only a shit VHS for entertainment. Cue Connie and Sasha, prepared with some old eighties hits. There might be a little alcohol involved, too, if Ymir has any say in the matter.
> 
> Oh yeah, and Annie’s with them, too.

As we pass by the thirtieth Burger King I’ve seen in two hours, Sasha audibly moans. I know how much she loves Baldy, but I’d bet my tuition she’d leave him for a hamburger. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty hungry, too. 

“Ay, Baldy,” I call up to the driver. “We got time to stop in for some grub at the ‘King?” I ask, fully knowing what’s about to occur.

“I don’t know if we can go to THAT place specifically but—SASHA!” Connie shrieks as Sasha jumps into his lap, does a definitely illegal u-turn, and nearly drives through a stop sign to get over to the Burger King. Everybody sighs in relief that we aren’t dead. That might’ve been a reckless move on my part, but what can I say? I didn’t do it, Sasha did.

“Alright, everyone, what do you want?” Sasha asks cheerfully, as if she didn’t just break 40 traffic laws and squash Connie beneath herself, who she is _still_ sitting on. We all stare blankly at her before I break the ice. 

“Get my lovely Historia and myself one large fries and two medium cokes.” Historia thumbs up in approval to my request. She’s so adorable when she’s...herself. 

Reiner takes the opportunity to order next, followed by everyone else. I don’t give a fuck who ordered what, so I don’t bother differentiating their annoying voices. 

“Whopper, please. Make that two.”

“Mmmmmphggg Mmmmephhh!!!” (This one’s obvious. Sasha knows his order anyways).

“I’d like a blue raspberry slushee, please.”

“Do they even have those at BK?”

“Shut the fuck up, lemme order our food.” Sasha can be a bit harsh when food is involved, as has been previously learned. 

“Isthateveryoneidontcareifitisntwe’regrabbingourfood?” Sasha floors it to the drive thru window. The most unenthusiastic high school student I’ve ever seen stares back at us. 

“Welcome to Burger King, hope your day has been royal, ha-ha.” Dude sounds like a literal robot. Sasha throws a wad of bills at him and he doesn’t even flinch as she grabs the food and pedals off. “Okaythanksbyeeeeeee!”

She roughly pulls over and Connie finally pushes her back into her own seat, gasping for air. “Oh my god, Sasha, you could’ve killed us all! If I knew you wanted a burger, I WOULD'VE GOTTEN YOU ONE! Honestly, Sasha—“  
Their quarrel is cut short by the sound of a siren approaching, flashing red and blue lights. It’s the fuzz.

“Connie, floor it, drive.” I demand. He looks back up at me, exhausted. 

“No, Ymir, are you insane? That’s a fucking cop! We could all be shot!” I shrug. “Only if you weren’t fast enough, little man.” I hear him groan in frustration as the police car pulls up beside us.

A bald man with a bushy mustache and a wide grin taps on the driver’s side window. Before it rolls down, I flip him the finger. Historia scoffs at me for “being rude to a law enforcement officer.” It’s not like I would’ve actually instigated, I was just testing the waters. I just need to make sure nobody hurts my darling Historia, is all.

Connie sweats like a complete pussy as this old ass Baldy McGee stares him up and down. When he finally speaks, his voice is gruff and authoritarian, yet somehow simultaneously amiable. I hate people like that.

“My name is Pyxis. Pleasure to make your acquaintance...” While this asshole and Connie chat, I look out the window to see a young man with a horrendous hairstyle seating in the passenger seat of the cop car. The air around him screams ‘pussy’, while I’m being perfectly honest. His bowl cut drapes downwards in the most ugly way, his nose is crooked and he frowns perpetually (so does Jean, I guess, but at least Jean has a lot else going for him). 

When I turn back, the old bastard is flashing Connie a warm smile. “Son, I know you’re youthful and excited, and that we all make mistakes. You aren’t the first ones to pull a stunt like that”, He laughs, and we all sigh in relief that we aren’t getting punished. 

“That being said, I’m fining you a ticket for $200.”  
________________________________________

It’s been at least five hours since Pyxshit and the bowl cut bastard took all of our money we were planning to use for our sleep situation the next few nights. Thanks to Marco and Armin’s budgeting skills, they determined how much food we could buy and also have enough money left over to get us all a room for one night. Yep, one room. Singular. God damn it, Sasha. 

“Well, this really fucking sucks,” I declare, the whirring of the cheap motel fan driving us all mad. “You just haaaaaaaaad to have some Burger King, Sasha.”

“Hey, YOU were the one who brought it up in the first place!” She defensively accused. I was hoping she didn’t remember that little detail.

“Look, guys, we’ve all been through enough for one day. Let’s just wait until Jean and Marco get back with the groceries, and then we can decide what to do.” Armin, the voice of reason (and boredom), successfully diffuses the situation.

With nothing else to do, I whistle and look around at what everyone else in this shitty room is doing. The tall gay duo is currently bending over and trying to get the ancient TV working, while Sasha and Connie play ‘paper football’ against a wooden desk that looks like it got chewed on by a rat. Oh, and of course, Eren’s still drawing his weird gore porn art project. That scene with Marco was just fucking weird. 

Historia looks up to me, cuddling against my shoulder. “Ymir, I know that being this close to everyone in a cramped space is hard for you, but please, try to be nice.” 

I grumble at her, “If they do something dumb, I’ll laugh at them. And they definitely will.”

She sighs and takes hold of my hand. “Please, Ymir? For me? Just for tonight.”

I sigh and kiss her on the cheek. “I just can’t say no to you, my darling Historia.” 

She gives me one of her beautiful, intoxicating smiles just as Jean and Marco enter the wannabe adequate sleeping arrangement, carrying four dinky paper bags overall. I hope they got tuna, like I’d asked.

“So, uh, bad news, everyone,” Marco nervously laughs. “The grocery store prices are different in this county, and we could only buy a bunch of uncooked ramen.”

“And three six packs of beer, ladies and gentlemen!” Jean was sure to add on. Marco smiles and nods at his statement. “Yeah. That, too.”

“Booze? Hells yeah!” I spring up and walk over to the bags, along with everyone else. Eren’s still drawing his nudist colony or whatever. More booze for the rest of us! 

Within 15 minutes I’ve already had two beers and Reiner has had four. We’ve only got a handful left, and it seems like mister blonde boy is going to get absolutely shitfaced. 

“I’m so fucking bored...” Connie groans like a child being told to go to school. Suddenly, his eyes light up, as if he’d remembered something. “Sash’, you got my bag?”

Her eyes light up, too, and I know that we’re either in for a very good time or a very shit time. With those two, it’s either a homerun or a concussion. Sasha tosses Conny’s raggedy Trost U backpack at him, causing him to fall over against its weight. 

“I was worried this might happen, so I had Sash’ rent some bad eighties movie tapes!” He excitedly pulled out a few ancient ass VHS compatible tapes, each labeled with some movie. The only one I managed to read was _‘Jaws’_.

Marco raises an eyebrow at Connie. “But Jaws isn’t even an eighties mov—“

Reiner begins to laugh in a way that resembles the sound of a dying monkey. “Woah....JAWS! I’VE GOT SOME OF THOSE!”

Bertolt clasps his hands over Reiner’s mouth. “Reiner, this is for your own good.”

Reiner rips Bertolt’s hands anyway and continues. “Like, I use my jaws to like, biiiiiiiteeee you, Bert...” His syllables are emphasized as if he had a frog croaking in his throat. 

Bertolt turns a deep shade of red and leads Reiner to the bathroom (he claims it’s to sober Reiner up, but nobody believes that shit). The whole time, we can hear the muffled voice of Reiner laughing, “Bites for Bert...! Bites for Bert....”

After those two go to hook up or whatever, I grin at potato girl.

“I guess it can’t possibly be any worse than your other ideas today, Braus.” Sasha’s face doesn’t even falter, the stubborn ass.

“Yeah, I think watching movies is a perfect idea,” Marco agrees. Jean is already snoring against Marco’s shoulder. Hard to believe that he used to be ‘straight’. Yeah, right.

Historia gets up and helps Connie set up the VHS. I won’t even pretend like I know what the fuck a VHS is or how it works, but since Connie is a total loser, he definitely does. 

...

Uh, actually, it’s not _that_ dumb of a hobby, if Historia likes it, I guess.

_____________________________________________

The movie has officially started, and the familiar dumbass theme song blasts our ears like an air raid siren. The startling noise is sobering, at least. Armin shoots up with a “yip!” noise, his eyes indented with dark black circles. Nerd boy scowls at Connie for turning up the volume so loud, and then lies back down on the bed.

Mikasa and Annie watch the screen without so much as a blink for a reaction. I notice Eren’s taken a break from drawing giant porn to doodle the shark. I gotta admit, he’s a good artist, even if he does use his talent for his weird perv fantasies. 

Meanwhile, Connie and Sasha are both screaming and practically jumping into one another’s arms every time something slightly surprising happens, before wildly giggling at one another. If it wasn’t for my promise, I’d have beaten their asses fifteen minutes ago.

As the movie continues, Historia and I munch on the uncooked ramen noodles (thank god for flavor packets), and I make sure to hold her tight every time she screams at the sharks. I don’t give a damn if they’re not real, I’ll fight those fucking sharks. They can bite my ass.

Speaking of bites on the ass, the power bottom duo has yet to emerge from the bathroom, despite the movie being well into the second half by this point. Bertolt must sobering up Reiner in the most inefficient way possible, or getting fucked against the dirty wall. Either one doesn’t sound very appealing to me. 

We’re at the scene where the shark has climbed onto the boat and is eating one of the dudes, (I haven’t bothered to learn their names, I’m just watching Historia, really), and that’s when the bathroom door swings open. 

Sasha screams and even my Historia lets out a little Yelp of surprise as a very exhausted looking Bertolt emerges from the bathroom, wearing nothing but his loose sweatpants. We hear running water in the other room, and Reiner groaning, so it appears Bertolt _eventually_ sobered up his lover boy. That’s a relief, because I love to laugh at drunk Reiner, but sleeping anywhere near him makes me fear I might stab someone. 

“You have a good time in there, Hoover?” I tease the tall boy. He offers nothing but a middle finger in response. Quite rude, but again, I promised Historia not to kill anyone. But I’m definitely not forgetting that.

I look back over to the shitty TV and notice that the movie credits are rolling. Finally, the damn shark movie is ov—

“—Okay, guys,” Connie beams. “What do you wanna watch next, _Clueless_ , or _Return of the Killer Tomatoes?_ ”

God damn it. It’s gonna be a _loooooooong_ night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With these first few chapters, I’m really just testing the waters, learning my own style. The future chapters are going to be at least the same length as this one, if not longer, from now on. Next chapter is one I’m pretty excited about, as it features all my favorite dorks.


	4. How I Met Your Marco (Jean’s POV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first campsite of their road trip is finally visited, and Jean reminisces on how he fell in love. 
> 
> (Jean’s POV doesn’t officially begin until after the flashback).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a reason that Historia is referred to as Christa in this chapter. 
> 
> In this fic, Ymir is Marco’s cousin. I like them as a family.

The freckled boy’s eyes glistened with awe as he watched the lights dance around the commons. Christa was passionate about many things, but prom was always the big one to her. It made sense, after all; She was invited to attend prom her freshman year by an upperclassmen who was interested in her. Ironically, she met Marco’s cousin, Ymir, a sophomore who’d snuck in to spike the punch bowl. It was an unlikely pairing, but the two of them have been inseparable ever since.

And now, Marco was invited by Ymir during his own sophomore year, with Christa and Ymir being prominent prom queen(s) candidates on the posters dotting the Trost High walls. They’d also won as homecoming queens, though Marco was 50% sure that Ymir either bribed people into voting for her, or straight up rigged the ballots herself. It wasn’t that Ymir wanted to win, she didn’t really care very much about feeling special to anybody besides Christa. Christa, on the other hand, was crazy about everything to do with popularity, she loved being in the spotlight more than anything. She drew people up with her to dance, her beautiful smile always there for those who needed it. 

Since Christa was so popular, Ymir became popular by association, and thus, Marco was considered someone you should want to know around school. It was funny to him, considering the prior year he’d gotten a half-eaten tuna sandwich shoved inside his violin, and now those very same perpetrators were desperate to be his friend. Marco simply ignored them and went through school as he himself wanted to. He was similar to Ymir in that aspect; Neither wanted others to dictate how they lived their lives.

But there was always one person that Marco was mad for, and it was a secret he held onto for the entirety of his teenage years. 

Marco was snapped back to reality by the sound of his messy-haired best friend, Jean Kirschtein, excitedly eyeing up the “hottest chick in the history of ever”. He turned to look at Marco with a grin that held purpose. 

“Dude, Mikasa’s sitting over there, by the punch bowl! I heard she doesn’t have a date. This could be my shot!” Jean adjusted his tie and awaited advice from Marco.

Mikasa Ackerman was a beautiful girl to be sure, with straight black hair that glistened against the light. She had dark grey eyes that shine with passion when she was invested in a topic, and she always put in her full effort into any commitment. She was a junior, and was considered to be one of the most talented people at school. She excelled in everything; art, sports, instruments, academics. She was a genuine person to her heart, so she was always willing to speak her mind, and Jean found that (along with her looks) irresistible. But, there was one tiny issue with Mikasa that Jean wasn’t aware of. 

Marco knew that Mikasa Ackerman was asexual and aromantic; He was good friends with her adoptive brother, Eren Jaeger. Eren was just as passionate as Mikasa, but lacked the precision and skill she did. That wasn’t to say he was untalented, he was a fantastic artist and played a mean trumpet. Marco had found out Mikasa’s romantic preferences (or lack thereof) in his band class. Actually, Jean had, too, and it was the main source of the arguments that became commonplace between the two hotheaded teens. 

Jean could be pretty brash and inconsiderate of other people’s feelings in the best of times, but whenever Mikasa was the topic of conversation, he seemed to house a cage in his heart that was begging to be set free. He _refused_ to believe that Mikasa was incapable of forwarding his advances, citing that he “wanted to hear the words from her own mouth.”

And on that fateful prom night, that’s exactly what happened. 

Before Marco could intervene, Jean practically sprinted over to Mikasa, who was laughing with her brother and his best friend, Armin. Mikasa eyed him inquisitively while Eren began to scowl. Jean took a deep breath, and held his hand out to Mikasa...

===  
“She fuckin’ hates me, man.” An exasperated Jean sat against his locker while the party raged on in the school commons. Marco sat with his best friend, a hand placed against his shoulder for comfort. Marco cared deeply for Jean, as he had since the two met in primary school, and the thought of Jean enduring such emotional turmoil made his heart ache with sadness.

_Despite the fact Jean did the very same thing to himself._

“Come on, Jean,” Marco smiled warmly. “I know you really liked, Mikasa but—“

“—I don’t think I liked Mikasa.” Jean’s eyes stared directly into the wall, avoiding Marco’s confused expression. Marco was unsure how to respond.

“But you’ve been crazy for her ever since you first saw her LAST YEAR! What do you mean, you didn’t like her?” Marco was fired up, begging for a response from the vacancy of Jean’s expression. 

“Marco, I....Mikasa’s pretty, for sure,” he spoke matter-of-factory. “But honestly, I’m glad she’s ace. It helped me come to terms with something important.” Jean slowly turned to face Marco, a slight blush reddening upon Marco’s cheeks.

“I liked the _idea_ of Mikasa, y’know? This perfect person with beautiful looks and flawless skill in just about everything. You know how much I screw up, and I guess I kinda projected my own insecurities onto her unfairly.” Marco listened attentively, interested in Jean’s epiphany.

“I don’t want some robot to be with me, though! I realize that what so truly want is just someone who’s there for me. Someone who I know _has_ flaws, and is willing to help me with mine, too, y’know?” Jean began to sweat nervously, his hand running through his ruffled hair. 

Marco’s heat was thumping out of his chest as Jean seemed to lean closer, the rhythmic thumping getting more intense with each movement made by him. 

Jean’s hand shakily extended and gently caressed Marco’s chin, capturing Marco by complete surprise. His blush reddened further, and Jean opened his mouth to speak again.

“Marco, what I realized...”

He felt his heart stop for a moment.

“...Is that _you_ are who I actually want.”

Marco was stunned by Jean’s advances, as Jean was grumpy and rigid most days, unwilling to even finish his homework. He didn’t care about any of that right now, though! Jean had just confessed feelings for him!

Marco and Jean slowly leaned forward, their lips meeting gently and passionately. They fell into one another’s arms, and Marco felt himself happier than he’s ever been in his life.

“....I think I love you, Marco Bodt.”

===  
“Well, we’re finally here, guys.” Connie sets the van into park, the quiet wilderness engulfing our surroundings. “Come on, guys, help me unload the trailer thingy.” 

I yawn, and nervously glance over to Marco, who flashes me his trademark smile. I know I’m a huge asshole ninety percent of the time, so it still baffles me that Marco loves me as much as I love him. Not that I’m complaining, though. I’m ecstatic we feel the same way for one another. I just wish it had taken me longer than high school prom to realize what Marco really meant to me. Like, I could’ve had him much sooner, you’re telling me? That’s a proposition I wish they’d invent a time machine for. 

I was actually really nervous to go on this trip. I’ve been “friends” with everyone just as long as Marco has been, since at least freshman year of high school, but I still get really nervous around groups. Bertolt and I relate on that topic, but I’m a lot less blatant with what’s bothering me. Marco teases me that I have “broken communication skills”, which is probably true to some extent, but fuck it. I really went on this trip for Marco, anyways. Okay, _Maybe_ I’m slightly excited to hang out with people I like, Jaeger excluded. God, ever since he found out I had a crush on Mikasa, he insults everything I say. That was like, three years ago, if not four! He should be over it by now. 

I absentmindedly help unload Marco and I’s belongings from the old rusty-ass sorry excuse for a trailer. We’d planned to upgrade to a better one once we crossed the state line, but since Sasha just haaaaad to get some Burger King, we’re down a few hundred, and Bertolt’s up a few hickeys. Goddamn, that was hilarious. Reiner was piss drunk and kept giggling about biting Bert, and like a half hour later Bert comes out of the bathroom looking like he’d been attacked by an octopus. It more than made up for the fact that we were all staying in a really shitty two bed motel room that probably had gonorrhea. 

Well, almost, anyways. 

I hoist my tiny travel backpack with my bare essentials as Marco swings his overpacked duffel bag over his solid shoulders. Good thing he’s been working out a lot more, because damn, that thing is heavy looking. His rippling shoulder muscles fled underneath his thin black tank top and his arms are toned by the sun—

Before I get any thirstier, I offer to help carry it for him, but he reminds me it’d probably crush me. So, fair enough, Bodt, you win this round of Most Humble Boyfriend. 

I hear Sasha’s extremely loud voice calling for everyone to gather up, even though we’re all only like, twenty feet away from the van. Regardless, Connie and Sasha begin to investigate us like drill sergeants, even telling Reiner to “drop and give him 20!” Reiner drop...

...kicks Connie onto his ass. 

“Owww, sheeesh. Anyways, we’ve got like, 6 tents, and like, a lot more than 6 people. It’s obvious that the couples are gonna be in tents, because oh my god does nobody else want to be with them, so they’ll get the three two-person tents.” He drops three tent kits in front of him in the grass, and beckons myself, Ymir, and Bertolt to claim our ‘couples tents’ (ugh). Dumb name aside, it’ll be really nice to have a tent all to ourselves. We can take the rain blanket off and watch the constellations, since they’ll be more visible in the clearer air. 

Well, at least, that’s what we’ll tell the others we’re up to.

Connie continues, “Sash’ and I are in the three person, and Annie, Mikasa, Eren, and Armin are welcome to choose one of their lucky selves to crash with us, whilst the other three grab the final tent. It’s a two-person, but I’m sure you’ll find a way.” He laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “Annie, why don’t you bunk with us?”

Annie flashes a slight smile, if only for just a split second. “Good choice, Baldy.” Putting Annie in the two-person with three people would either result in the either two being killed, or Conny himself being killed, so he definitely made the right call.

“Alright, that leaves Mikasa, Armin, and Eren in the final tent together! Yaaaaay!” Sasha does a bunch of over dramatic, over enthusiastic claps to cheer everyone up. 

===

“Ugh, I fuckin’ hate mosquitoes.” I swat one away from my arm as Marco opens up his bag, handing me a brand new bottle of insect repellent. I give him a quick little peck on the cheek before so absolutely _drenching_ myself in That sweet, sweet, bug killer. Let’s just hope to god it works on spiders, too.

Marco snatches the can out of my hands with a frown. “Jesus, Jean, don’t take the whole damn thing! This was like, eight bucks at the tourist shop.” He proceeds to quickly and efficiently spray his entire body, though there’s a spot I know he missed. I grab the bottle from the bench he’s set it on, and...

...in one swift motion I snap back his basketball shorts and boxers and spray his pale freckled ass for a good five seconds. He lets out a startled “eugghhh!” noise before swinging himself around to face me, cheeks red with embarrassment. 

“Jean, really?” His tone of voice is mildly irritated, but I know he thinks it’s funny, too. “I expected better from my own boyfriend than to spray my most vulnerable areas...” He begins to smirk and nudges my shoulder suggestively. He leans back against the bench and I kiss him passionately, my arms around his waist and traveling further south.

“Oh my Jesus fucking Christ, WE ARE ALL RIGHT HERE!” A very annoyed Annie raises her voice, a rare thing indeed— 

Oh fuck, right.

We turn to see that yes, our tent is set up in the middle of a clearing, and yes, the other’s tents are as well, and yes, they all just watched Marco and I eye-fuck one another and practically grope each other.

We pull apart with wide eyes before we begin to laugh our asses off. I keel over next to the tent, heaving and snorting louder than I ever have before. Marco’s using the bench for support, chortling like a monkey who just found a banana plantation. Across the clearing, Ymir meets my eyes with a look of pure disgust.

“Reiner, is this what gay porn is like?” She asks sarcastically. 

I hear a muffled voice from behind the van, Reiner checking it’s tires: 

“Only the ones Bert watches.” I can practically feel the sly energy radiating from the comment.

“REINER!” A very betrayed looking Bertolt jolts up from the blanket he’d been lying on, face redder than a Fuji Apple. I just about pissed myself laughing, and for once, I’m not embarrassed.

Because I have my very own Freckled Jesus here with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter wasn’t as long. I wanted to get another out but didn’t have the energy to write more. 
> 
> Don’t worry, more Springles is coming very soon, with Reibert to follow. And maybe some more backstory with Eren’s “situation” and Historia’s history, no pun intended.
> 
> Kudos and comments are the highlight of my day, but please only give if you genuinely liked the fic. 
> 
> I hope you are enjoying it so far! And please feel free to call out any errors or give any criticism.


	5. Potatoes and Molasses (Connie’s POV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When left with an interesting combination of foods to eat at their campfire, Sasha and Connie bring out a song that seems to have come from just over the garden wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s the only thing left on your task list.

It’s only day two of our trip, and we’ve already been fined two hundred dollars for breaking traffic laws, nearly killed Marco with a box of magazines (ask him yourself), and I unfortunately caught Reiner and Bertolt inside of the trailer together. My eyes still burn. 

Thankfully, we were able to get some more money from an ATM outside of the bank up the street from that shitty motel we stayed at. We had Armin and Marco budget the money into different categories, like leisure, furniture, and food. We’ve already spent a good hundred dollars on like, three plastic lawn chairs and a duck floatie Reiner really wanted (I wanted it too, but paper beats rock). We drew straws for campsite jobs after Marco and Jean’s gross public display of affection, and Bert, Reiner, and Annie ended up on grocery duty. Sasha and I landed fire building, which we are totally experts at after watching years of Survivor and Naked and Afraid. We’re gonna kick the wilderness’ ass. 

Sasha and I carefully arrange the base of our fire in a cone shape, the ashes of the previous fires rising into the air as we step around the charcoal. The others are currently unfolding the few shitty lawn chairs we have, filling up our water cooler with “lemonade” (Reiner got it, and I don’t trust him), and rolling logs over to add to our seating count. Ymir and Historia finally emerge from the woods, both holding a bunch of thin, dry, twigs, perfect for getting the fire started. Though I guess, we didn’t start the fire, it was always burnin’ since the world was—

“Connie.” Sasha’s concerned voice snaps me back to reality. “You’re putting your hand in our fire.”

With that revelation, I shriek and begin to smack my burning hand against ground, which doesn’t stop the searing pain, but simply adds more pain. Ow.

Ymir begins to laugh at my misery while Sasha and Historia pull out our first aid kit from Sasha’s nearby backpack. Historia opens it up and begins to wrap bandages around my palm, applying ointment to the burned area first. I’m hissing in pain as she tightens the bandages to ensure they don’t fall off, before flashing me a warm smile. Ymir scoffs, jealous of the attention.

“Y’know, Historia, I got a little scratched up, too...” She whimpers like a puppy dog.

With Historia having taken her bait and doting over Ymir like a mother with a newborn baby, I guess it’s up to Sasha and I to finish this fire. I glance around to see if anybody else can help us, and I’m reminded that my friends aren’t the most efficient people.

I see Jean and Marco rolling a huge log towards us at a snail’s pace to use as a bench, Mikasa effortlessly going back and forth between the van and the campfire to set up our lawn chairs, Armin struggling to do the same, and Eren drawing in his sketch pad, sitting against a nearby tree. I call over to him to help us out, but he flips me off. 

Rude.

I really wish we hadn’t sent Reiner, Annie, and Bertolt to be the grocery store runners this time, especially because of Reiner’s tendency to eat anything, regardless of how gross it is. Considering he’d also been drinking and Bertolt won’t say no to him, it’s pretty clear whatever they come back with won’t be the hotdogs and marshmallows Sasha and I politely asked for. Not to mention Sasha’s potato chips, dude. If she doesn’t get those chips, she might kill us all. 

I’m not joking. 

Since none of our loser friends can/will help out a newfound cripple and his girl, I return to stacking our kindling against the fire, arranging a sort of wooden tee pee as Sasha places crumpled up paper inside of the shape. Out of curiosity, I unfold one to see what it’s for, since I catch some writing on one before she tosses it in.

**Sasha Braus Disciplinary Strike #7 ******

****_‘Ms Braus absolutely refuses to stop eating that disgusting drivel in my classroom no matter how many fucking times I’ve asked her. If you don’t get that brat expelled soon, Eyebrows, I might actually strangle her.’ ___** **

****___-Professor Ackerman (fuck you). ____ _ ** **

As far as I’m aware, our university doesn’t have disciplinary notices, because we aren’t five years old. Professor A has it out for Sash and I, though, ever since we tried to set him up with Professor Zoë. I mean really, they always hate-flirted in the teacher’s lounge when we spied on them, and Ackerman seemed to hate boys and girls, and Zoë was neither! It seemed perfect! 

I guess, in hindsight, throwing up on the man’s shoes in order to force Professor Zoë to end class and grab the janitor probably was not the best way to romantically spark an interest. We both got detention for three weeks. And yeah, our university doesn’t have detention, either, but it’s not like you can say no to Professor Ackerman. Jean tried one time, and he still won’t look him in the eye. I didn’t ask, but it’s clear he has trauma.

Suddenly, a realization dawns on me. “Sash, how’d you get these notes from Ackerman? They’re supposed to be for Dean Smith, right?” I ask her inquisitively. 

She looks up from the fire arrangement she’s been perfecting and flashes a smile. “A magician never reveals her secrets, young Springer.” She laughs, and then shovels a mouthful of gummy worms she pulled out of nowhere into her mouth. “No, yew canth habe wone,” she speaks, gummy worms muffling her words. I’m assuming she told me I can’t have any. Despite our love, she loves food more. I’m starting to think that’s she’s not asexual, but in fact, sexually attracted to food. I’ll need to ask Professor Zoë if that’s scientifically possible. 

=•=

By the time I’m over being blue balled out of some sweet ass gummy worms, Jean and Marco have finally rolled the log over to the fire pit, and Marco is currently wiping it down with wet wipes, while Jean argues that the action is pointless. Ah, the ol’ lover’s quarrel. I’m glad our tent is nowhere near those two, because Reiner might be loudest, but those two are definitely the most...ew. I’m done imagining that. 

But it appears Jean isn’t, as I catch him getting an eyeful of Marco’s ass as he’s bent over cleaning the fucking log. I swear I see him lick his lips and I resist the urge to throw up. I don’t really know what he’s trying to wipe off of that log, anyways, but if it makes Marco happy, he should go for it. Jean must really be in one of his modes, because he starts speaking French, his mother tongue, which he only does in the presence of his family, or when he’s saying things he doesn’t want anybody else to understand. 

Jean’s family is very loaded, and very French. Well, his dad’s German, apparently, but potato, potato. Anyways, he moved here when he was about three or whatever, and despite being the rich kid, he never made fun of anybody for their earnings. Like, he was still an asshole, but he wouldn’t tease kids about things like where they came from or who they cared about. Sasha and I met him in first grade, and when Marco came along, Sasha and I had a bet going to see how long it would go before they got together. 

I guessed it would be sophomore year of high school when they made it official and I was fuckin’ right, baby! Sasha owed me three hundred bucks (or twenty bags of gummy worms). The second option was for the case in which Sasha won, because she doesn’t give a flying fuck about any prize that isn’t food. 

Although, to be honest, I maaaaay have collaborated with Sasha to make sure Eren, Armin, and Mikasa were there to reject Jean at the prom so Marco would have to comfort him, and Sasha maaaaay have coaxed Jean into admitting his feelings to her over the phone the previous night, but we still played matchmaker and won, damn it.

“Marco a un beau cul et oh mon Dieu Je ne peux pas attendre pour taper ce soir...” He mutters under his breath, whatever that means. I’m certain I don’t want to know. Marco apparently does though, because his cheeks flare bright red and he smacks Jean across the face. They both start laughing oh my god if I don’t look away right now I really will throw up their PDA is disgusting please kill me.

I turn my focus back to the fire, where Sasha has begun to pull out the matches. I arrange the kindling into a more efficient array that will allow the smoke to blow in the direction away from our faces (unless the wind shifts). Sasha struggles to light a match properly, burning through a few...

...dozen, before she finally gets the fire going. Everyone rejoices as Sasha and I blow on the fire to ensure it doesn’t die. I don’t see him, but I know Jean’s about to make a blowjob joke.

“Hey, Marco,” I hear Marco groan as Jean begins to speak. “You could learn a few things from those two.” He chuckles at his own bad joke and I _feel _the eye roll energy radiating from everyone around the campfire. By this point, everybody besides Eren has pulled up a seat, and we’re simply awaiting the return of the Reiner/Annie/Bertolt trio.__

Ymir nonchalantly pulls out a bong and flashes an evil grin at the rest of us. Historia is caught completely off guard, but knows better than to try and stop us. She sighs, before going over to sit next to Marco. Golden boy and golden girl refuse to do the druggy wuggies with us. Historia says that it’s because it’s “unethical” and “illegal”, but how can something be unethical when it makes everyone so happy? Marco is not nearly as innocent as he seems, though, lest we not forget Junior Year, Sixth Period, Mr. Bozado’s calculus class. Legend has it the room still reeks of whiskey and sex. 

Ymir’s already litten the bong and taken a hit, and she passes it to Jean. We’re going around in our fluid motion, with Historia vehemently denying any part in our antics and Marco reluctantly shaking his head no. I think he’s honestly just doing it so Historia isn’t alone. 

Marco’s literally an angel. Why else would we call him Freckled Jesus? Speaking of angels, time to get high, baby! God, if you’re out there, please forgive our youthful souls for our youthful mistakes. 

=•=

Nearly an hour later, the realization dawns on all of our high, naive souls. We all have the munchies and absolutely no food. Maybe _this _is why Marco didn’t take any weed? No, Armin’s just as smart, and he...__

__...he didn’t take any either. Neither did Eren. Fuck, did those bastards realize this would happen and not stop us? They’re lucky we’re outside and by a fire, or they’d all be contact high for fucking certain._ _

__“Where the fuuuuuuuck is Reinah....” Sasha’s words are drawn out and groan inducing, like sandpaper against my ears. Eren giggles at our predicament from his stupid little tree like a fucking fuckface asshole mcfuckington. When I’m high, I swear a lot more._ _

__Marco and Armin are playing chess using Armin’s board while Jean uses Marco’s back as a support, his eyes as red as Marco’s face when he walks into direct sunlight. I wonder if we can cook and eat Marco’s freckles?..._ _

__Nah, Jean wouldn’t allow that. Unless..._ _

__Could we cook and eat Jean’s horse face?_ _

__Luckily for Jean and Marco, we don’t have to eat them, because a very exhausted looking Bertolt arrives with a very enthusiastic Reiner, and a very uncomfortable Annie. They all trudge over to the campfire drenched in sweat and covered in mud._ _

__“What the FUCK took you so long?” Ymir snaps. Reiner narrows his eyes before he begins to laugh._ _

__“Oh, I’m finally the sober one, this is fucking fantastic! And fuck you, Ymir. You try walking ten miles to a grocery store that sells really shit foods with your boyfriend who’s terrified of every tree stump he sees and a cousin that would definitely murder you if given the chance.” He glanced uneasily at Annie, who gives him the finger, as expected. Bertolt melts into a pile of jello against the grass, completely out of energy._ _

__“Uh, why are you guys so muddy?” Historia questions, before her eyes grow wide. “Oh my god, Reiner! Are you bleeding?” She points frantically at his leg before scrambling to assemble the first aid kit. The rest of us groan in response._ _

__“Oh, yeah, ‘tis’ but a scratch,” Reiner jokes, wincing as Historia treats the wound. I swear I can see Ymir plotting his murder with every touch. Reiner elaborates, “There was a crazy drunk guy who tried to stab Annie with a fork, claiming she looked tasty, so I took the hit for her like a champ.”_ _

__Annie rolls her eyes at him. “My hero. Don’t let it go to your head, asswipe.” She flicks the back of his skull...affectionately? I dunno, Annie’s harder to read than Mikasa._ _

__Speaking of Mikasa, she’s been glued to Eren’s side for the past two hours, ever since she finished her chores. I guess she isn’t high either, then. God damn it, are Sasha, Jean, Ymir and I the only ones suffering? Oh fuck, right! Food!_ _

__It appears Jean and Sasha have the same idea. The three of us simultaneously moan, “Food....” In voices only our mothers can judge. Reiner flinches, and reluctantly holds up one of the grocery bags._ _

__“Remember how I said the grocery store nearby had shitty food?” Reiner chuckles nervously, knowing that we will literally eat him if we have to. “Well...”_ _

__“....The only thing we could afford was this huge sack of raw potatoes and this corn syrup looking stuff Reiner insisted we buy,” Annie throws Reiner to the wolves. I’m just about to eat him when I realize..._ _

__“Wait, Annie, did you say potatoes and corn syrup?” I question, a wide grin coming across my face. I can tell Sasha knows what needs to be done as well, as she assembles the needed supplies from her bag. Jean hasn’t caught on yet, nor has Marco, but both are staring at Annie, very confused. How’s our chance!_ _

__She blinks. “Yeah, the label says it’s called ‘molasses’, it’s some weird syrup substitute or something.” She doesn’t realize the gravity of the situation. I look over to Reiner, and he’s just as confused. But then, I remember..._ _

___Bertolt. ____ _

____Bertolt’s eyes meet mine from his position on the ground, and he has a massive shit-eating grin. I knew he was a nerd, but goddamn, the madlad really pulled it off._ _ _ _

____“So you’re saying we have...” I begin._ _ _ _

____“Potatoes...” continues Sasha._ _ _ _

___“...And molasses?” Marco finishes, and Jean smiles widely. It is time. Sasha pulls up her teapot and places it over her head, Gregory-style. I pull out two glasses and begin to clink them back and forth. I nod at Marco, the music major, to lead us in song. _His lovely tenor voice begins to softly sing,_ > “Oh potatoes, and molasses.” He begins to laugh, and Jean joins in with a surprisingly good baritone voice. __“If you want some, oh just ask us!”_ He nods to Sasha to continue. I keep the rhythm with the glasses and spoon, clinking them against one another. “They’re warm and soft, like puppies and socks, filled with cream and candy rocks!” She hits the high note perfectly. We’ve rehearsed this ever since last Halloween, where six of us binged Over the Garden Wall. I guess Bertle was paying better attention than I thought he was, since he and Reiner appeared to be making out the whole five or so hours. God bless Bert for this. _ _ _ _

________The four of us begin to sing in unison, with Bertolt helping me to keep the beat by humming along with the song. If I do say so myself, we sound amazing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________”Oh, Potatoes and Molasses!  
They're so much sweeter than algebra class  
If your stomach is grumbling  
And your mouth starts mumbling  
There's only one thing to keep your brain from crumbling”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“Oh, Potatoes and Molasses!  
If you can't see 'em put on your glasses  
They're shiny and large like a fisherman's barge  
You know you've had enough when you start seeing stars”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________“Oh, Potatoes and Molasses!_  
It's the only thing left on your task list  
They're short and stout they'll make everyone shout  
For Potatoes and Molasses!  
For Potatoes and...”_ _

_________“Molasses.” ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

We all laugh and cheer as we finish the song, everyone else completely confused. Ymir raises an eyebrow and coughs.

“Can we eat the stupid fucking potatoes now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wirt is the embodiment of me.
> 
> For those OOTLP:  
> https://youtu.be/Q4vryZTr6MA


End file.
